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A Hilarious Review of 7-Eleven’s Fluorescent-Food

7-Eleven, San Antonio, TexasThe website MySanAntonio has a hilarious review of the food-like products being offered at a new 7-Eleven that recently opened up in Texas.

The writer of On swallowing 7-Eleven’s ‘Hot & Fresh’ food takes us on a nightmarish culinary adventure into the fluorescent-food world of 7-Eleven.

On 7-Eleven’s Taquitos:

Stay away from the [taquito] that says “jalapeno cream cheese” — it’s gooey, tastes rancid, and is worth about 2-3 chews before you’re likely to spit it out. Perhaps the most disturbing thing about 7-Eleven’s Go-Go Taquitos is their softness. Taquitos are supposed to be crispy. But these you pinch and they give big-time.

On 7-Eleven’s Mandarin Pineapple Salad:

The Mandarin Pineapple Salad ($4.29) isn’t an insult to salads (I’ve had worse) but the spicy dressing is pretty much — molecularly speaking — the sweet-and-orangey coagulated duck sauce ubiquitous at Chinese restaurants in America.

On 7-Eleven’s Cheeseburger Bites:

“The worst of the bunch, by far, is the Cheeseburger Bite: hamburger meat (right?), cheese and God knows what else, cast to look like a dog, put in a bun. It’s disgusting on its own and so the thing to do is to dress it. So naturally, we Americans side-step over to the dispensers of chili and cheese. But, like the Tar-Baby, the more and more you try to improve the Cheeseburger Bite, the worse it actually gets. Imagine the poorest quality of everything I just described, in a slightly burnt and rubbery state, all interacting in your mouth, and that’s what it tasted like.”

Parting advice from the brave reporter? “With 7-Eleven, you know what you’re getting into. All I can do is say, “Godspeed,” and wish you luck.”

On swallowing 7-Eleven’s ‘Hot & Fresh’ food [MySA]

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