If you’ve ever wondered what a dirty bomb might taste like, the opportunity presents itself this Summer in the form of 7-Eleven’s Doritos Loaded – a chemical-laced, culinary atrocity attempting to pass itself off as a snack food.
What exactly are Doritos Loaded you ask? They are 4 triangle shaped pieces of “cheese” breaded in Doritos dust and sold for $1.99 at participating 7-Elevens around the country. They are microwaved on-demand to room temperature by employees at the time of purchase. Chemicals are hard at work trying to trick your senses into believing you are eating real cheese, salt, pepper and other unidentifiable flavors. And the smell? Let’s just say this Summer when you’re trapped in the city and suffering a string of 90+ degree days, the putrid smell of festering garbage has worthy competition.
It isn’t hard to imagine a boardroom at 7-Eleven filled with employees mocking their customers and asking things like, “Next to making our customers eat actual feces, what’s the most disgusting thing we can legally make them ingest?” The answer of course would be Doritos Loaded.
All Shock, No Awe: 7-Eleven’s Doritos Loaded, Reviewed [Deadspin]
7-Eleven Introduces Doritos’ Most Disgusting Snack Food Ever [Ad Rants]
Doritos Loaded review in one word: Ick [Lehigh Valley]
New Doritos Fast Food Monstrosity Embarks on Free Sample Tour [Time]
The website MySanAntonio has a hilarious review of the food-like products being offered at a new 7-Eleven that recently opened up in Texas.
The writer of On swallowing 7-Eleven’s ‘Hot & Fresh’ food takes us on a nightmarish culinary adventure into the fluorescent-food world of 7-Eleven.
On 7-Eleven’s Taquitos:
Stay away from the [taquito] that says “jalapeno cream cheese” — it’s gooey, tastes rancid, and is worth about 2-3 chews before you’re likely to spit it out. Perhaps the most disturbing thing about 7-Eleven’s Go-Go Taquitos is their softness. Taquitos are supposed to be crispy. But these you pinch and they give big-time.
On 7-Eleven’s Mandarin Pineapple Salad:
The Mandarin Pineapple Salad ($4.29) isn’t an insult to salads (I’ve had worse) but the spicy dressing is pretty much — molecularly speaking — the sweet-and-orangey coagulated duck sauce ubiquitous at Chinese restaurants in America.
On 7-Eleven’s Cheeseburger Bites:
“The worst of the bunch, by far, is the Cheeseburger Bite: hamburger meat (right?), cheese and God knows what else, cast to look like a dog, put in a bun. It’s disgusting on its own and so the thing to do is to dress it. So naturally, we Americans side-step over to the dispensers of chili and cheese. But, like the Tar-Baby, the more and more you try to improve the Cheeseburger Bite, the worse it actually gets. Imagine the poorest quality of everything I just described, in a slightly burnt and rubbery state, all interacting in your mouth, and that’s what it tasted like.”
Parting advice from the brave reporter? “With 7-Eleven, you know what you’re getting into. All I can do is say, “Godspeed,” and wish you luck.”
On swallowing 7-Eleven’s ‘Hot & Fresh’ food [MySA]
You know a trend is officially exhausted when 7-Eleven hops on it. This Summer, 7-Eleven is pairing the tired hipster mustache trend – in the form of a straw – with plastic moonshine mason jar cups to sell more Slurpees. The bizarre combination is the brainchild of Laura Gordon, 7-Eleven’s vice president of brand innovation and marketing, who believes these ridiculous items will inspire their customers to create 7-Eleven’s mindless social media content this Summer.
Cut to the Press Release!
“Slurpee-lovers of all ages will have fun sporting their favorite ‘stache straw with a mason jar mug, and enjoying a Slurpee drink is all about fun and flavor,” said Laura Gordon, 7-Eleven vice president of brand innovation and marketing. “While everyone loves Slurpee drinks year-round, summertime is definitely Slurpee season. I suspect we will see lots of Slurpee mustache photos on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter (@slurpee or @7eleven).
That was more painful than brain freeze.
#7Eleven #lazy #socialmedia #oldideas #tiredtrends #oppositeofinnovation
7-Eleven® Rolls Out Mustache Straws, Mason Jar Mugs for Slurpee Summer of Fun [Reuters]
It’s been a while since we checked in on 7-Eleven’s wide range of nauseating, food-like products so when we were tipped off to their latest caloric abomination – the Chili Mango Slurpee – we couldn’t help asking, “who would this product appeal to?” The answer? Nobody!
Cut to the 7-Eleven Facebook page:
“Spicy? That part doesnt sound good at all…”
“This is as stupid as a mango flavored taco…”
“Spicy and slurpee shouldn’t be in the same sentence…”
“It was the worst thing I ever have tasted…”
“Eww who’s idea was this….”
Maybe they should revisit the mashed potato vending machine.
Breaking news in the East Village: 7-Eleven’s “healthy food options” have arrived at the Bowery 7-Eleven. What are they you ask? Salads? Vegetarian food? Vegan options? No. Lite Slurpees with goofy names like Slurpee Lite Sugar Free Sprite and Slurpee Fanta Oddball Orange. Lite Slurpees – much like Diet Doritos – are an oxymoron. Once again it’s nothing but junk food from 7-Eleven.
Meanwhile, what’s this? Does 7-Eleven have a new import/export business? Kidding!
Noted [EV Grieve]
7-Eleven Kicks Off Summer With New Slurpee Lite Flavor [Convenience Store News]
7-Eleven Shifts Focus to Healthier Food Options [NY Times]
7-Eleven Adds to Prepared Foods Menu [The Global Fruit]
Diabetes? There’s a 7-Eleven App for That! [No 7-Eleven]
7-Eleven’s Identity Crisis: Health Food Nuts or Junk Food Huts? [No 7-Eleven]